New Company Policy

As a result of the recent downturn in the economy, we are forced to begin a personnel reduction program. Under the new plan, older employees will be asked to take an early retirement, thus permitting the retention of older people who represent our future. Therefor, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Later-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees may also request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW(Survey Of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT(Study Higher Authority Following Termination).Under the terms of the view policy may be SLAPPED once SCREWED twice and may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure he/she will be entitled to get HERPES(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance) or CLAP(Combined Lump-Sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she always has AIDS(Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employee’s who remain on board that the company will continue it’s program of employee development through our Special High Intensity Training(SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have give our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

Once again, thanks for all your ears of service with us.
 

Found this funny note on a friends Facebook , So decided to share it with you since I couldn’t direct link it

Bruno